The Shadow Knows
This is part 5 in a series designed to give you, our clients and friends, a loftier and practical look at ethics. We hope to demonstrate why and how a deeper understanding of ethical concerns can be applied in your life – both personally and professionally.
“Make the greatest of gifts to your self — Truth!”
— Anonymous Greek Philosopher
“Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!”
Spoken by actor Frank Readick, Jr., at the opening of “The Shadow” dramatic radio show; the words were accompanied by an ominous laugh and a musical theme. — Wikipedia
Ethics is all about the exchanges of life — and the distinct arenas or domains in which those exchanges occur. (More about domains upcoming.) Today the primary domain — the Personal / the Self.
Wait… How does one exchange with the Self?
Come on, haven’t you ever conducted this internal dialogue: “All right, I have ten pages to write before the due date tomorrow at 10 am. I’m for sure going to get the title page and five good thesis pages done before nine tonight. And if I get that step completed, the rest will be downhill! So, my reward for completion will be that piece of cake on the second shelf in the fridge… Then all done by midnight and nail the bibliography in the morning…”
Admit it. We’ve all cut that bargain and either made good on the deal — or welshed shamefully…
But it’s just that — a deal — an exchange with the self. I’ll give you this, in exchange for that.
Our argument: Most (if not all of us) have taken the exchange with the self less seriously than we take exchanges with others. We either grant ourselves too little regard — being endlessly critical and demeaning; or (equally damaging), we grant ourselves too much credit and fail to own-up to our real failings and flaws. Both approaches set us up for failure as we take our ethical platform out to the world to exchange with others.
Ethics — fair exchange — starts at home. Before we deal with siblings, spouses, children, pets, the environment, the United Nations, Universal Aesthetics or Spirituality, (Remember, the Domains?) we confront and exchange with, Ourselves.
No one else knows what’s in your heart, but there are some clues. Because what we do to, and think of, ourselves, we often do to, and with, others.
So, if you’re unfair, curt, dishonest or cold in your dealings with family members, it’s perhaps a fair indication of how your internal landscape lays out…
If you’re dishonest and unfair in your exchanges at work, can your internal exchange programming be trustworthy?
If you kick your dog (or someone else’s…) is it likely that you have a self-esteem problem?
How’s your love life? Are you stingy, self centered, inclined to aggressive demands? How about giving yourself a long, slow weekend with a sauna, a massage and a little personal self regard? Yeah yeah… There’s humor here, but self love is not about sex — but respect, support and reasonable pride in accomplishment. Can you find it in your heart to give yourself some warmth?
Our culture of late has been long on “Self Esteem.” Everyone’s a winner now, even if they lose. Everyone gets a medal. (Perhaps that works because the medals are mostly plastic.) But we are talking about honest self-regard, in recognition of honest accomplishment, not self-delusion. And not the currently fashionable “award inflation” in which everyone’s performance is deemed equal. Human value is all encompassing, but performance almost always has a curve, and a hierarchy. I don’t want an honorable mention in my heart surgeon, thanks, but the best!
The challenge is to find the middle path: honest self regard; and honest, unrelenting self-examination. The middle path yields an individual who knows what they’re capable of — and will accept nothing less. That’s a great personal foundation to take out to one’s exchanges with the rest of the world!
The Shadow knows, but you know as well — so don’t lie to yourself; and don’t stint on the honest recognition of self-worth. Fair exchange begins with the first of the domains, the Self.
Applications
1. Personally
Is it possible that you’ve been grinding yourself down to nothing in your personal self-appraisal? Are you prone to self abnegation and denigration? When was the last time you set a tough goal, made it, and bought a watch, a car or a vacation as the prize? At the same time, have you gotten a little too cozy in front of the mirror?
2. At Home
The kids and the partner will watch how you work and wonder: “Should I do it that way? This person is important to me! Shouldn’t I follow their example?” So, let them see you do the sums: “This I did well. This I didn’t. That I can do better. Next time I’ll do it! And when I do, I’m going for the cake on the second shelf!” Nothing is better that getting the inside story on how Mom or Dad became a V.P. Praise, honestly earned, is of great value.
3. At the Office
After the big pitch, close the door, remove all the sharp objects and start the Post Mortems. But start with what you were proud of. What worked? What should become SOP? Then, what can be improved next time? How can you work that into standards of practice as well? Be careful not to shirk the responsibility for the losses but make sure also to pass out kudos for the wins. Honest self-critique, responsibility and great teams go together.
Make yourself, your family and your team the greatest of gifts, the Truth — because if you don’t tell them, only the Shadow knows!
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