Betrayal

While the Editorial Team enjoys a summer hiatus, we’re republishing past articles by popular demand…

“But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.”
—Jesus to the Disciples
Luke 22:36

If you work, love, play on a team, fight in a force, serve in a church, dedicate yourself to the community, the law, your country or mankind, you will experience betrayal. Not because they’re bad people but because they are people. Everyone evaluates the odds and their chances on the basis (at first at least) of self interest. What’s in it for me?

Because you come at least second in that equation, there’s no doubt that someone you love, respect, care about or trust is going to work the equation in their own interest and you will lose… And few things sting as much as being blind-sided by someone close. Maybe your spouse cheats… Maybe your sister makes up stories to tarnish your esteem in the family. Maybe a colleague takes credit for or steals your idea. One minute, you’re all team-mates, the next, you’re out.

So. Betrayal is a real fact of life because things change and people see the equation — and you — differently. But what if it’s not them? What if it’s actually — you? You elected not to see it coming…

We suggest that — viewed from a different angle— the nature of betrayal is the mistaken belief that in the hands of certain special people, you are safe. If you harbor the clearly irrational expectation that none of these unique, godlike people would dream of doing you harm, one of them is going to re-evaluate the situation and trade your trust and esteem for those of someone else…

Now. Breathe, and let go of the outrage, upset and sense of being victimized by those despicable (former) friends, siblings, teammates and colleagues who had the temerity to be human — while doing you in. Then, sell your cloak…

Hey. It’s not them. It’s you. If you’d seen it clearly, it would’ve been obvious. Things were changing. The other person was under some pressure. They weren’t as you hoped… They acted in their own perceived interest and you lost. That’s life. Rise above it and realize that the upset, the outrage, the emotion all stem from having (wrongly) expected otherwise, while looking the other way.

Betrayal in reality stems from failure to observe and evaluate. If you see it clearly, you know that change is the only constant, and that people will react to change in very human ways — even the ones you like, love and trust. But don’t be willfully blind to reality — unless you enjoy being shocked, surprised and betrayed.

The loftier strategy for parenthood, love, leadership or Sainthood, is to see all people the same — as humans with character flaws, needs, problems and challenges — all of them working the same basic equation: “How can I survive? What are my choices? Which alliances, friendships and relationships maximize my chances?” It’s cold blooded, but it’s real. And if you start everyone at that same level, you may find yourself surprised, but in a good way, when someone goes above and beyond self interest and steps up! Don’t get the idea that everyone’s a lizard. But everyone is going to start the process at “What’s best for me?” Some will reach beyond that. Others will need some enlightened encouragement. And, still others (even some you love or trust) will never get far enough to think about anyone else, or you. So just don’t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting Sainthood of others.

So much for a changed perspective, now let’s discuss changed behavior…

Never sell your sword… As a practical matter, in all your dealings, you can also lay out the circumstances for people so they can see, as you do, that their survival will be enhanced by thinking long term, and lofty — by helping more people win. By lining up with the team… Not everyone can see so deeply. They’re a little near-sighted when it comes to their own deal. That’s why we tend to cluster around those who can see further and deeper. You need to be a loyal and committed friend, and a ruthless, implacable enemy. “It’s so much better to be my friend!”

You can be one of those who is never surprised or betrayed, because you see it as an ever present possibility. Love, forgive and never sell your sword.

Applications

1. Personally
It’s hard to know who’s a candidate for Sainthood. But you could start on your own account by forgiving everyone else for being human. Then proceeding with an understanding of how they think: “What’s in their own best interest.” It’s a big step to find someone who can see beyond that. Maybe that first person should be you! And with you as an example, others can begin to get wind of a loftier approach to moral behavior. Model the best. Forgive the worst. And “Keep your friends close.”

2. At Home
In discussing ethics, morality and what’s right and good — we often fail with our families because we expect them to “simply get it.” Being related to someone is no guarantee that they see things as you do, or even have the capacity. So start with the assumption that “Assumptions will disappoint you.” Have the discussion. Work through the Ethical Calculus of how a certain behavior will be good for the individual, then for their family, then for the job, the school, community, etc. Then build on that foundation over time… Ethics, Observation, Forgiveness and enlightened Self Defense.

3. At Work
Don’t assume people are trustworthy, tell them why it’s in their best interests. Then keep “explaining the deal” as often as required to make sure that you and your colleagues are on the same page. As you progress, keep in mind that the biggest function of leadership is continually explaining “the nature of the deal” to prevent any misunderstandings or unforeseen betrayals. Make the argument, get agreement and keep checking. It’s calculus after all, so it’s easy for people to fall off the wagon… Expect it, prepare for it. Forgive them and set things right while moving on. That’s leadership. You don’t have time to be betrayed.

Failing to notice, is fundamental to betrayal. So notice!
Failure to prepare, leaves you open to betrayal.
Failure to punish leaves people free to misbehave.
A leader has a good deal in one hand, and a sword in the other. Remember, they can’t betray you if you forgive them in advance and keep them focused on working the calculus so everyone wins.

Dessert
Need a reminder about betrayal, enlightened self interest, vigilance? Reread Lord of the Rings: the epic trilogy about a Brother who Betrayed, and a Hobbit and his Gardener who stayed true to The Quest. If you haven’t read it, well; keep your sword at hand…

(Of course, the movie is pretty good too…)

Return of the King: Smeagol and Deagol

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