Be Still
The Sales & Counselor SellingSM Series
“Being still, and not doing anything are two very different things.”
– Mr. Han – played by Jackie Chan
The Karate Kid, 2010
“I never learned a damn thing while I was talking!”
– J.E. Morrow
American Social Commentator (1920-1996)
“The native state of a rational mind is a profound stillness – looking out.”
– Jennifer R. StJohn (1952 – 2018)
Everyone is talking! In 5.1 surround sound, on blogs, on their own private networks, shouting in the dark, in the streets, on WiFi at Starbucks, texting at the office, at school and in the car. Broadcasting! Everyone’s talking… at once. And all of them dying to be heard… Or better – understood.
Who’s listening?
Perhaps a few politicians … the Winners – getting elected by responding to what they hear people saying.
Maybe a few inventors… Creating the tools to connect people in unprecedented ways.
A few bankers, creating services that allow people more freedom with their investments and more access to their accounts.
A few employers, who have discovered and embraced all the diversity which can expand and strengthen the workforce.
A few salespeople, who can deliver more service, and more satisfaction – only when they discover what people really require.
A few designers, listening to the rustling of new desires and currents, and bringing them to light as products and tools.
But these few are on to something. The tide has turned. When everyone else is talking, it’s the listeners who distinguish themselves. In years past, it was enough to be the first one speaking, later the one with the most elegant message. Today the secret is an engaged receptivity – stillness.
You may be smart, brilliant even – armed with the best talent, and incredible resources. Yet, you cannot achieve anything without your colleagues, the market, the people, the nation on your side. Such alliances do not form between people who are always talking. The hardest, and most important thing one person can do for another is to listen to and truly understand them.
While many claim to be listening, they are in fact appearing to listen while doing something else. To “hear someone out” and then “grant them standing” is to recognize their presence in a complete and profound way. It is the foundation of successful partnerships, marriages and relationships of all stripes – and of course – of business and national alliances.
Successful relationships begin not with talk, but with the willingness to listen – signified by being still.
What exactly does that mean?
Well, it isn’t being quiet while you think of what to say next. It isn’t waiting your turn…
“Being still” means “allowing both the outer and the inner voices to fall silent while concentrating entirely on the other person — not merely on what they’re saying, but on what they feel and intend.” When you start from stillness, you have the best shot at effective listening – on getting a clear understanding of the content, the desires and the attitude of the speaker – and of being able to see the world from her vantage point. You might accomplish it without looking. But you can’t do it while talking, thinking or indulging split focus. You begin by being still and looking.
Advice for rediscovering the lost art of listening:
- Turn off the toys.
- Aspire to unbroken eye contact.
- Shut down the internal noise and criticism. Just get (even duplicate…) what they are saying / intending.
- When they run down, leave a respectful silence to validate completion, then acknowledge.
- Now, think about it. What did they mean? This? That? Ask them to verify. When they smile, you know you’re on first base.
Ultimately, there’s more to listening than words, speaking and duplicating what was said – although that alone is an excellent start. Listening may not really be about words at all. We suggest that the entire exercise is less about content and more about contact. When resting on a foundation of stillness, your listening practice can often allow you to penetrate deeply into the mind, heart and spirit of your partner – apprehending what they actually think, feel and believe…The words are just a path to that more substantial connection. It borders on the psychic – but then, maybe that’s what such people are actually doing, being still and allowing the other person’s universe to “seep quietly in…”
Whether it’s a cranky all-knowing teenager, a frustrated spouse, a workmate with an upset, a foreign colleague with a cultural question or a boss with an assignment, all human beings are hungry, bordering on desperate to be understood. Pay attention to the words as a start but begin out of stillness and prepare to be amazed – and amazing!
Be still and learn.
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